Interview with a Vampire

By Shabbir Ahmed Montu



Good day ladies and gentlemen. This is your host Daniel Malloy bringing you live another edition of "Interview with a vampire". In today's show we have the pleasure to have a vampire who stands in a class of his own. While my boss Anne Rice had for years held onto the belief that a vampire sans his spiky teeth is not a real vampire, our guest today has chiseled off that myth. Not only does he not have spiky teeth, but also he has characteristics that are rather off-putting for members of his own kind. He's as controversial among vampires as it can get.

Particularly, our guest likes to spend a lot of time scavengering through dictionaries to hand-pick obscure, fuzzy, last-used-when-King-James-was-flagging-down-the-catholics words to lob them in random places in his write-ups. Although he's possibly the best-known writer in vampire populace, some of his contemporaries disagree citing his trite and unimaginative cognitive outpouring in his writing.

A vampire critique went so far as to comment "His writing reflects how badly mentally mutilated he is". It's also interesting to note that in our last episode when we interviewed vampire biologist Dr. Wiltchblood, he referred to our guest as an example of "bad mutation" in vampire evolution.

No wonder then, our guest is popularly known as Sadistically Mutilated Islam, or SMI in short. Without any further ado, let me introduce our guest today Mr. SMI, ladies and gentlemen, please give him a big hand.
[...clap  clap track plays...]

DM : It's a pleasure to have your here Mr. SMI.

SMI: Thank you. I want to start off by reciting a poem that I've written for the audience.

DM : Please go ahead.

SMI: It's dark around the corner
     It's dark along the plains
     It's dark that I need to garner
     And everything dark that remains.

     It's bull that I think
     It's bull that I write
     It's bull who of you blink
     And call me non-comprehendo and trite.

DM : That was certainly a great start.

SMI: Wait, let me finish the last stanza.

     I'm a grifter, I'm a grinder
     I'm an agnostic punk
     I'm a callous-minded abuser
     And I write a sh*t load of junk.

DM : That was quite heavy-handed and self-biting, yet profound. Mr. SMI. BTW, just to mention as a side note, I am spellbound by your extra ordinary calibre as depicted in your last three write-ups published in NFB! I cannot help but dedicate a poem for your brilliant pieces, Would you mind ?

SMI: Which poem ?

DM : the famous poem, 'aabol taabol' (gibberish) by my favourite poet Sukumar Ray. Hope the readers of NFB would enjoy.

"Ayre bhola kheyal khola
shopon-dola nachiye aay,
Ayrey paagol aabol-taabol
Motto –Madol bajiye aay !
Ay jekhaney kyapar gaaney
Naai je maney Naai je shur.
ayrey jethay udhaw haway
Mon bheshey jay kon shudur !"

The entire poem can be found at :

BTW, would you like to tell us more about yourself, SMI?

SMI: Daniel, if you're perspicacious enough ...

DM : Wha, what? Perspi what?

SMI: Ok, let me put it in an easier way, and I promise I will be easy on you today. Now, if you attempt to comprehend the inherent meaning of that poem, you will get your answer.

DM : [...cough sound, followed by a goofy grin ...] I guess that helps. Ok, Mr. SMI would you share with us your experience regarding your life as a vampire.

SMI: Daniel, I tell you it's tough as hell. Vampires can be as stubborn and prosaic as humans. Let me give you an example. Over the last few months I've been on a crusade to educate vampires about the importance of reading low-quality, right-out-of-gutter articles; and in that regard my church members are helping me out in scraping through the Internet to find articles that make even the best samaritans remorseful. So far, I've forwarded more articles to Internet forums and people than there're trees in Amazon. Yet, Daniel, yet these vampires will not budge.

DM : Let me interject for a minute. You said "church members", but I thought you're agnostic.

SMI: Yes Daniel, I am a pious agnostic. My parents named me Islam, fearing I would lose faith when I grow up and douse myself in margarita pool. While the inevitable has happened to some degree, you can rest assured I've never lost my entire faith. In fact, I am more muslim than your everyday run-of-the-mill muslim to the extent that while both of us slack our rituals, I actively participate in nailing down everyone who critiques this great, riveting, bolting, pegging, trouncing religion. Isn't that slick?

DM: That certainly is. Mr. SMI, I've the May edition of "Vampire Magazine" here, where your article "Who invented X-droppings" arose quite a lot of controversy. Would you like to elaborate on that?

SMI: Well, insomuch as most people failed to hack through my Shakespearean English in the article, it's imperative I clarify. See in my youth I always used to dream about inventing something that I could patent under my name. Finally, my dream came true when oneday I, quite philosophically, and absolutely single- handedly, invented a new phrase "X-droppings", where X can be replaced with an animal name.

The controversy arose when I went to patent on the phrase and the officer refused stating some of my animal names could not be used. He particularly objected to the sub-Saharian peacock owing to its being extinct now. It led to my suing the patent office and losing it. But now I am taking the case to our Supreme Court.

DM: I must admit Mr. SMI, you're the most unique vampire I've ever come across. One question- Have you heard the name of Farhad mazhar ?

SMI: Yeah just two days ago.

DM: Have you read any book/article of this particular author ?

SMI : Yes -only that article which Omer Farook translated recently.

DM: Hmmm… I see. But your rebuttal to veteran Shopon is just excellent, especially without knowing any background of Mazhar and his ideology, without reading any of his books, without having much involvement in geo-political arena of your country ….

SMI : But I only talked about the introductory part of Shopon where he personally attacked my mentor (peace be upon him) Dr. Farook.

DM: I see… So you have no interest on Mazhar’s article ?

SMI: yeah.. you can say that.

DM: Hmm… what is the relationship then between you and Dr. Farook ?

SMI: the relationship that Jesus has with Lord, the relationship that Muhammad had with Almighty, the relationship that Oedipus had with his …

DM: OK Ok I understand. Forget it. Let’s come to the previous topic. Another recent happening, you know that has surfaced in various places suggests that you're at odds with a human being. I find this quite disturbing. Allegations have been made that although he stepped off this incident, you are still chugging along trying to provoke responses from him. Is that true?

SMI: Absolutely, Daniel. You must realize my prominence and reputation in vampire society. Sure enough, I ain't written an article or essay worth reading by human beings in my entire life and a lot of the times I get the spanking sensation that I don't know what I am talking about, but I deserve better than having to see my intellectual backside whipped by a pity human who claims to be an atheist. When uncle Joe told me to stay away from knowledgable atheists I couldn't quite comprehend him. Now I know what he meant -- atheists are criminals. Too bad, Mr. Avijit Roy wanted to come in my playfield, thump me and get away without enticing a red- card. I say who the hell he think he is, Al-Capon, or God, huh?

DM : By definition, he cannot be a God, since he doesn't believe ...

SMI: Says who? Sometimes I get the feeling that he's a God believing atheist, who's gone astray.

DM: But, but, that's neither the academic nor the traditional meaning of the word.

SMI: Listen pal, I don't get what you say. I've an article here that I got from http://www.bert-simpson-kicks-a$$.com where it clearly    says atheists are those who're non-theists. Since theists believe, in an invisible God, non-theists then must believe in a visible God -- that's the only difference I see.

[ ... a hushed boo sound from the audience ...]

DM: Let's change subject. You seem to be very concerned about PESUDONYM. Can you please explain the background of some writers in your forum like – Anundhuty Roy, Orundhoti Roy, ShoumYo_Murti, Golam Kibria, Mufti, Bula Kasem, Pyro, Anonymous, Alaap Humorist, or even invisible "Aalaap Team" ?

SMI: Invisible means ?

DM: I mean do you have any other members in your team besides you? I mean don’t you think it’s very odd to see that when you go for job… the entire team cannot release any post ? ( )

SMI: Don’t you think you’re committing Red Herring Fallacy ? You know what my beloved Farida Aapaa advised me recently ? She said – "You, Munir, on the other hand, should not have butted in without any background knowledge and with your extremely offensive language that seems to be stuck with a very limited vocabulary consisting of disgustingly crude words, phrases and ideas. For someone who lectures others about logic and fallacies, I find your use of language exhibits a shameless double standard. It is the height of hypocrisy when you say: What matters to me is public decency when speaking of someone in first person, and then use the most indecent, tasteless, anti-social language I’ve ever come across." Don’t you think it is applicable for you now ?


DM: Hmm. We're almost approaching the end. Tell us what're your future plans.

SMI: My future plan is to keep rolling over Mr. Avijit Roy, irrespective of whether he decides to respond or not. Another plan is to meet him oneday in a dead-alley, hold him by the collar, lean toward his face and ask "How, Avijit, how, is your forum Mukto-mona so successful, while mine always looks like a barren field full of forwarded tiger-droppings. How come Lopa joined in MM as a moderator entirely forgetting Aalaap? " It's just bleeping unfair. I hate myself.

DM: That's ok, please don't be sad. Look around, may be you can try     thinking like a human being occasionally, if possible, if that     helps. Alright then, that ends today's edition of our show. So     long.

[ ... at this point, the lamenting turns into weeping and then into
glycerin-charged tear shower ...]


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